#DoubleFML presents Could you Beloved?
Written by: Darrell W. Butler
What’s up y’all? It’s ya boy Darrell, but many of you may know me as “®Fat Darrell.”
However, for those who don’t know me, I enjoy old school hip-hop, long walks to the fridge, giraffes and…oh my bad, wrong window! I was working on my Bumble profile…
Anyway, welcome to Could you Beloved?!
So, you know what else I enjoy? Foodie clothing from Belovedshirts.com! Oh, and not just because I’m on the team now.
Nah, I was down way before that because I say, “why just look like a snack, when you can actually be one,” ya know? #issasnack
These outfits also come in handy when you’re greedy and clumsy AF like I am.
Case in point, I rocked my pancakes tank top for a breakfast date the other day. It was one of those all-you-can-eat buffets so halfway through my third plate, I accidently dropped my fork. It was fully loaded and dripping with syrup too!
Anyway, the fork landed smack dab in the middle of my shirt leaving a sticky wet and buttery stain, but my date didn’t even notice!
Oh wait, before you call me cheap for taking her to a breakfast buffet for a date, it was actually her idea!
However, I may start taking every first date to breakfast from now on.
Why? Well, for starters, if a random psycho is going to waste my time anyway, I’d rather her waste it over an $8 plate of eggs instead of an $80 fillet mignon!
But more importantly, I’ve figured out that you might be able to predict the future of your relationship by offering your potential bae one simple choice: pancakes or waffles?
Now, before I continue, I realize there are several other menu options like French toast, omelets and oatmeal that could potentially throw a curveball in this test.
With that said, you’ll have to get them to focus on solely choosing between pancakes or waffles. That decision will tell you all you need to know my friend.
Oh yeah, and if they try to order cereal with colorful marshmallows instead, you might want to check their ID since it’s entirely possible you’re dating a toddler.
Now that I’ve addressed these important disclaimers, here’s what I’ve learned from my limited sample size of train wreck relationships:
Long story short, waffles are for dating but pancakes are for mating.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Yeah, I said it and I’m sure that Leslie Knope fans are currently flipping me the finger through the screen but hey, don’t shoot the messenger!
Hear me out on this for a second…
Look, waffles are cool and all but close your eyes and think about pancakes for a moment. No, seriously! Go on, I’ll wait…
I bet you thought of an entire stack, right?
Look at my shirt, it’s like a tiny family of pancakes. You’ve got Mom and Dad laying the foundation that the kids are raised upon. Aww…I know, heart emojis, right?
It’s beautiful isn’t it? Poetic even. It’s like a carb-filled haiku. That’s because pancakes stick together. Pancakes are loyal. Only a weirdo eats one pancake, but most people eat one waffle!
If I were to use an outdated Sex and the City reference (which I’m totally about to…), pancakes are like Charlotte. Sweet, wholesome and ready to settle down.
Waffles on the other hand are like Samantha. Fun to chill with in the hotel lobby but then they’re on to the next. Waffles are about that single life. Straight up scandalous!
“But Darrell, what about frozen waffles? Those come in pairs?”
Sure, they do, but they start off ice cold. Frigid even. Is that really what you want?
Besides, they’re all about instant gratification which still causes me to question their intentions.
Oh, you don’t want to take the time to crack a few eggs, sift some flour or stir the milk, huh? No, you just want to hop inside my toaster and start dripping syrup. Like I said, scandalous!
Plus, waffles aren’t even that filling. They’re more like a dessert while pancakes are an actual meal.
At this point in life, I’m looking for something real, ya know?
Pancakes require a deeper commitment. Waffles lack depth.
And okay, I’ll admit that waffles are prettier on the surface. I mean, look at them with their perfectly sculpted “abs” but is that all you’re attracted to?
I mean, sure, I work out too, but would you still appreciate me when I’m fluffy?
Pancakes aren’t always the perfect shape or size, and I say that’s beautiful. Don’t body shame my breakfast. Don’t we all deserve love?
Anyway, like I said, this is still a working theory but for now, I’m sticking to it!
So, am I wrong? Comment below and use the hashtag #teampancakes or #teamwaffles to cast your vote!
Also, make sure to check out our All-over Print Waffle and All-over Print Pancakes designs so you too can rep your team next breakfast!
In the meantime, I present the following art gallery tentatively titled “Idiot with Pancakes.” Enjoy.
Until next time my friends!
May the Fork be With You…
Follow me on Instagram @FatDarrellsLLC and Facebook and Twitter @FatDarrell
For additional content or to contact ®Fat Darrell, visit www.DoubleFML.com